Ballerina Wannabe and What It Did To Me

Ballerina Wannabe 1
If I were to describe myself, one characteristic comes to mind: I’m happy-go-lucky. I’m a positive person with my glass half full. I prefer to have fun, be spontaneous, and laugh. I have always been proud of my maiden name, Freuen, which in the German language is a reflexive verb meaning “to be happy!” My mom told me once, when I had grown-up, that she worried about me as a young woman because of my go-for-it attitude. She was right to worry; I have many a story to depict my shenanigans–and they didn’t end once I “grew up!”

Another characteristic to describe me would be my fierce independence. I don’t ask for much help, and not many people really, really know me. I prefer the airy fairy, happy smiling version of myself. I’m also confident–obviously; I’m writing and posting myself all over the Internet. I’m no Kardashian by any means, but I do have pics floating around these interwebs of me in my swimsuit. What what!? Crazy I know! However, just because I appear confident does not mean I don’t have insecurities, but I’ll save that for another post. Today, I’m talking about something else….

Ballerina Wannabe 2

The two characteristics mentioned above have kept me tight lipped about something–something major. I’ve been in pain, big time pain, for a while now. I don’t mention it much, but I’m beginning to. Basically, I don’t like to cause anyone trouble, and I don’t want to ever sound like a whiner. That’s why I’m always so upbeat here on this blog, and that’s why in person not many people have known what I’ve been going through. I can’t quite figure out why I’m divulging now, but it could have to do with not wanting to keep up appearances any longer. I can’t. I just can’t do it anymore.

This by no means is an indication that I won’t be posting all my stylish attempts, posting selfies, posting my favorite lipsticks, and posting pics of more and more of the tennis shoes I’m buying to replace my heels. But, there’s going to be a shift in how I write here. I want to write more honestly. If I have an opinion–even if it’s negative, I plan to start sharing it. If I lose a follower or two, so be it. I’ve had some serious struggles, and I really can’t keep them to myself any longer.

Ballerina Wannabe 4

I’ll start with the most recent update that can’t be avoided. I replaced my right hip. It was so utterly painful I could not bare it any longer. The details of this past year from the initial hip operation on August 28, 2015, are so many, both before and after, but suffice it to say that by the middle of April of this last year, I finally had to seek help. I am not in any way embarrassed by this. In fact, I’ll most likely speak more about mental health. To start, if you feel depressed for any such reason, it is ok, and it is even more ok to go get help. The chronic pain I was experiencing was taking my mind, and luckily with guidance I was able to start thinking rationally again. It had been a while…

I still have a very long road of recovery ahead of me. This is it though–there is no other measure I can take now that my organic hip is gone. I am hopeful however, and I am fully motivated. I have amazing family support from my two kiddos and definitely from my super star husband. My employee has granted me the time off to recuperate, and I feel very lucky for this. But this is it: I have to make the most and best of my situation. Again, luckily with the positive attitude that permeates my life, I will make it through this.

How did I get here? Well, that’s the thing, we aren’t suppose to look back. But when you’re at the doc, he’ll want to know what you’ve done. All I was able to say was how active I was. I was an athlete at one time in my life. I used to play volleyball and was a cheerleader in high school. As an adult, I ran, skied, stretched with yoga, and hiked. And ultimately, my whole life, I have always been very, overly flexible, AND I have always been a show off. So, I was the girl that was doing the Chinese splits, touching my stomach down to the floor, and then pulling my legs through to lay flat on my stomach. I was the young girl that held my legs high over my head in a raised, extended leg kick begging my mom to let me dance. I wanted to be a ballerina, a gymnast, a dancer. Oh, I wanted it so bad! When I described all these things to the doc, especially the desire to be a dancer–not ever properly trained, he named all of these reasons as the cause for the degeneration in my hip. My right hip was filled total osteoarthritis, and it was progressing at a rapid rate! The pictures made it look like a white, over grown forest. I don’t regret any of it: I’ve always been a ballerina wannabe. And I still am if truth be told. I love to dance. It makes me happy. And as stated before, I like to do things that make me smile–only those things.

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But let’s be real. Or I should say I’m going to be real. I’m going to try. Guaranteed I’ll still be smiling because that’s just me. I prefer to be happy. So, here’s to me and here’s to finding happiness with my new hip. I am hopeful to become strong again. I am hopeful that I will be able to walk again. That is really the only thing I want–oh, and to dance!

Ballerina Wannabe 5

It’d be a shame not to include pictures of this sweet little lady (who happens to be my photographer!). She fills me with such happiness. Her tenderness in caring for me is beyond precious. I have to stop myself for feeling bad for my kids. I think, “They don’t deserve to see their mom in such pain.” It breaks my heart how many tears they have witnessed. But this Gigi, she’s always there, always consoling me. Always helping me to feel good again. I think I need to borrow her tee, don’t you!?

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Ballerina Wannabe 3

*These photos were taken out at Spirit Lake during the summer BEFORE I got my hip replacement on August 5, 2016. Maybe, one day, I’ll be able to stretch like that top pic again…

*Also, this post has been linked to the #iwillwearwhatilike and Sheela Writes link up.

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  • Sue

    So glad for the help you searched out, received and your honesty. One day at a time, and now it sounds in the right direction to a very healthy you!

    • Thank you Sue. It feels good to “let it all out” so to speak. Ironically, the agenda I got for this year says exactly that: “One Day at a Time!” It’s a phrase my dad always used to tell me. And now more than ever I need to live by that. It’s hard cuz I’m usually the rabbit, but the turtle will win this race!

      Thanks for your support and love Sue.

      Love, Ann

  • I wanted to be a ballet dancer too Ann….but the nasty lady at the royal ballet said I was too “hippy” as she poked me with a baton-thingy..at 14!!
    Ah, the good old days when you were allowed to destroy a child’s dreams without a second thought :oP
    (I still wear real ballet shoes as slippers and like to walk around on demi-pointe from time to time…shhhhh…don’t tell!)
    I am stretchy through the hips (I am sitting cross-legged as I type this) but my hamstrings are so tight that I could never do what you did in your first shot!!!
    Wowzers I am jealous.
    I have always struggled with that position.

    As for your new beginning?
    Go for it!!
    There are MANY women (and men) who can relate to living with chronic pain and having to adapt.
    You are on the road to recovery, and a life without pain.
    I will be following your new journey and supporting you all the way!
    XXX
    Sam
    http://www.fakefabulous.com

    • Sam, thank you so much for this comment. I feel your support from over here. I think of you a lot. Just happens. Maybe it’s because I’m wearing Wonder Woman underwear (from you), socks (also from you), or tanks (from my sis).

      I’m still quite flexible. I wonder if that will come back in my right hip. I used to do the splits in all three ways–Chinese, right and left left forward. Awww, the good ‘ol days. And that nasty lady, well she sounds completely nasty. We should never burst kiddos’ dreams!

      Let’s meet up to go dancing one day!!

      A x

      • Yay! Let’s do it.. I’ll practice my twerking…or Trap…:oD

  • Thank you for sharing this, Ann – it takes courage to put ourselves out there, in swimsuits and with revelations about our health. I am sending you healing and happy thoughts. And how lovely to have a family that truly cares for you! xox

    • It sure does Patti! I can’t exactly explain my urge for the truth; I guess I just couldn’t hide what I’ve been going through any longer. Thank you for your love and support!

      Love, Ann

  • Anna Parkes

    A great, honest feature today Ann. I think many bloggers, myself included, like to keep our blog as our happy place. It’s an honourable idea to be out there, people pleasing, but your idea to reveal more of your inner self is very brave too. Mental health issues are so common nowadays, but still are the ultimate taboo, and it’s a big step to air these within a blog environment, so I admire you for that. Well done on your new path and also with your new hip. Take care and don’t overdo it with those moves too soon!
    Anna
    http://www.annasislandstyle.com

    • Yes, Anna, Kremb de la Kremb is definitely my happy place. It does make me very happy to post and style outfits. But yes, there was also a part of me that wanted to be honest about my mental wellness. It is sad how there is tabu around these subjects; perhaps that’s part of my divulging now. Hopefully if anyone else out there is in need of help they are seeking it and not feeling ashamed because of depression.

      My road is not over either. I think this recovery is going to be an even longer one. I am hoping I have the strength to continue and be positive throughout. Thank goodness for all of my blogging friends, like you, who support me along the way.

      Big love Anna. Love, Ann

  • I’m glad you shared your story. It sounds like you had a real urge to share it, and I hope it was therapeutic in a way for you. Plus, I’m sure it’ll help others. I find that often when we open up about something we’ve kept inside we are able to truly learn from it. And so are others.

    I hope you’re recovery will go well. I’m sure it isn’t easy, and I know you do a good job looking at the bright side. And when it isn’t so bright, it’s okay to share that too, if you feel like it.

    Hugs,

    Andrea
    Andrea’s Wellness Notes

    • Thank you so much Andrea. You’ve said everything perfectly here. I did have an urge, and I have felt relieved to have published this post. And yes, the recovery ahead of me is going to be very, very hard. I hope I can do it.

      Thank you for your love and support. It is felt, and it’s helping me along the way.

      Love, Ann

  • Jodie Filogomo

    Of course you’ll be able to dance again—not just because I’m a Pollyanna too but because I know the mind is truly amazing and if you really want to, you’ll do it!
    We’re all here rooting for you Ann!!!
    Heal, prosper and laugh—how can you not with such a fabulous support system?
    jodie
    http://www.jtouchofstyle.com

    • You’re right! How could I not!?! I can’t wait to dance again, but wait I shall. I want this hip replacement to really work. I keep calling myself the tortoise instead of hare. But, goodness, I’m the least patient person around! Slow, slow, slow. I whisper it to myself! Hey, I could slow dance!! Hahah! There I go.

      Here’s to healing, prospering, and laughing! And yes, with this support system, I CAN DO IT!

      Thank you for always being there for me Jodie!

      Love, Ann

  • Thank you so much Sylvia! I really appreciate your support and love.

    Ann

  • Gosh Mary, thank you so much for all of this. I’m just getting to know you, but I have to let you know you make me feel so good! Thank you for all your kindness through words of encourage and support. It means the world to me!

    Love, Ann

  • Annie, you know I love you, and will always be there when you need to rant. I am so glad you decided to go ahead with this post. I feel that it has/will do you a world of good, because you needed to purge and get this off your chest. It’s been festering for so long, and I’m so very sorry for the hell you’ve had to go through. A toast for brighter days, and happy moments, filled with song, wine and, yes, dance xoxo

    • Oh Lordie! What would I do without you Sheela. Out of everyone I know, during this past year, you heard my rants. I am so grateful to you. I can’t believe we haven’t met. I have felt closer to you than a lot of people this year, and I find the remarkable. Thank you so much for your love! It is and has been felt all along the way!

      And yes, I have gotten this all off my chest. I think a lot of people have been shocked; they have had no idea.

      And a final yes to better days ahead! They have to be right?!

      I love you too Sheela!

      Love, Annie